School uniforms

Do any of you have hand-me-down school uniforms that are looking for a good home? I'm looking for navy bottoms and white or light blue tops, girls size 4. Right now I only have 2 uniforms for Sabrina so am looking for additional ones. Thanks!

Kid-Free!

Just 'til 5 pm on Sunday. I took Sabrina to meet her dad about an hour and a half ago. Gotta love 4 year olds and their lack of sequential thinking. It was like pulling teeth to get her to put a toy down, put her doll's things in her "diaper bag," and get in the car...even though I kept saying "we're going to go see Daddy!" (The timing worked out okay; her dad pulled up to the meeting spot about 12 seconds after we did.)

I'm relieved to have some time to myself--for example, to clean up the toys and take out the trash. I know that eventually I will figure out taking out the trash while she's here, but haven't yet. Probably just because I'm super lazy. Since she doesn't want to be by herself At All she probably won't have any qualms about coming with me when I want to take the trash to the trash room.

But I definitely miss her. Is it wrong if I turn Dora on just so that I can hear the sounds of when Sabrina is here?

Her dad and aunt and grandma really love her. They were so sweet when I met them; Grandma gave me a hug and thanked me for taking care of Sabrina, and I told them I was so glad that Sabrina was able to spend the holiday with them. But they didn't bring a booster seat (I was mentally prepared for that, and offered them to borrow mine) and when I started telling dad about the medications--to go along with the detailed written instructions--he said "yeah, I know all about medicine." So I just kept talking to make sure he at least heard the instructions, even if he didn't really listen.

I'm going to take advantage of these next few days--washing dishes, making veggie meat balls, searching out some sort of toy chest, and doing a good dust/vacuum/hide the stuffed animals. I didn't grow up with asthma so wasn't so careful about connecting the information from the doctor "stuffed animals may trigger asthma" with the room full of stuffed animals. I can't in good conscience keep them all away from her, but I can limit it. Her mom suggested freezing them, so the ones that will fit, I will try that. But tonight: grown up beverages with friends.

I'm losing my mind

Sabrina slept in her own room all last night (save for a bit in the middle of the night) so when I woke up this morning, she wasn't in bed with me.  I looked up and thought I saw her in the doorway. "Good morning Sabrina! How are you this morning?"  No response.  Huh? "Sabrina, come on up into bed."  Still no response.  

You want to know why?  Because she was still in bed.  I was so nervous about meeting Sabrina's needs that without my glasses on, I thought a shadow was her.  Oops.

Communication

I've been applying for jobs recently, as I've mentioned over the past few months, and every one has a different version of the question "describe your skills in oral and written communication."  Truth be told, oral communication has always been one of my weaknesses, including on performance evaluations.  And I'm not terribly confident in my oral communication.  Part of it, I think, is that in some areas I skip over details that I don't realize aren't obvious to other people.  Part of it might be (perhaps related to the first bit) that in my formative years, people didn't like it when I talked too much, so I learned to pull back.  Part of it is that I'm better at trees than forests, so when I'm speaking I lose the big picture.  But on job applications I can't say all this!  So I pull a few examples of things I've done and just pretend that I'm good at it.

In real life, however, I can't pretend so much!  One of the reasons that Sabrina tells me to be quiet so much is that I tend to over-explain.  "You need to hold my hand while we walk to the playground because I don't know you well enough yet to know that you won't run into the street, and this is a busy street and I don't want you to get hurt."  (That warranted a "Stop Talking!"  I also now know that she is super-good about holding hands in public.  When we went to the zoo I told her the rules were she had to stay where I could see her and come to me if I called her name.  She barely loosened her grasp on my hand once.)  I'm really looking forward to my Chanukah present from my sister for this very reason.  I asked her for my very own copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.  I borrowed it from the library and had to return it; one of the techniques in the book is about using fewer words.  I'll be glad to have a resource right in front of me if I need to change tactics.

My not-so-great oral communication has been a problem in relationships, too.  This is less because I say too much, or because I skip over details, and more because I don't know how to expose myself emotionally.  This is one of the things I really wanted to work on in therapy, though I figured the act of therapy would be the working on it.  And it was, while I was still going.  I'm definitely better at it now, though I still start everything I say with a disclaimer.  ("I want you to know before I say anything that I know there is a possibility that I'm wrong.")  But it takes practice, and I still need a lot.  Writing--such as this blog--is a good first step because I practice formulating the vulnerable thoughts and putting them in words for other people to see.  But there's a veil between the words and the audience, so it is easier to put in writing than it is to say the exact same words.  (Plus there's that whole processing issue--you have more time to process what you want to say when you're writing.)  

Anyway, why am I talking about communication and relationships? (Yes, Foster Ima, why are you talking about this?) I was just interrupted by a phone call and now I don't remember where I was going.  (Funny thing--the friend who called told me "you should really blog about your experiences."  Yeah, she doesn't know about this.)  Ah yes.  With my ex-boyfriend (singular, not "one of my ex-boyfriends," because he's the only one I dated long enough to feel that he warranted the title of boyfriend), we didn't really communicate on a deep level.  I was suffering from depression and though we dated for ten months, he never knew.  Not because he wasn't perceptive (maybe a little of that?) but because I did all I could to hide  it.  I probably even used him to hide from it myself.  He told me at Chanukah time that he loved me (he told me in writing) and I just never responded.  I never told him that it completely Freaked. Me. Out., I never told him that I loved him, just... nothing.  We dated about 5 months longer than we really should have, based on my recollection of when I realized that studying together and cuddling were substituting for a real relationship, but I was too hesitant to say anything.  

Now George is in my life (hi George!) and since he lives far far away, our entire relationship--whatever it is and wherever it is going--is based on communication.  We talk on the phone a lot, though now that Sabrina is in my life, our conversations keep being cut short--because she comes into my room when she is supposed to be asleep, or because her social worker calls while I'm on the phone with him, or because he calls while I'm driving somewhere with her... But while I think we are both trying to get to the point of having deeper conversations, we're not there yet.  He noticed last night while reading about himself here that I've spoken more forwardly about my feelings towards/about him here than I have with him.  It's a balancing act that I haven't figured out yet.*  There are other barriers to deeper conversations than just my fear of saying too much and seeming like I'm skipping ahead those eight steps or saying the "wrong" thing and appearing too needy or just saying... I don't know what.  There's the fact that a lot of our conversations happen when we're both really tired (are we ever NOT really tired?) and that I hate hate hate talking on the phone.  I have to work too hard to process what is being said--and cell phones just make it worse--so 1. I miss important things but don't realize it, and 2. I'm thinking too hard about the words to then add the thoughtfulness that is needed to ask meaningful follow ups or add my own insights.  So going back to something I wrote above, I do much better in writing.  In the old days, courtships involved letters, but somehow a relationship based on emails, even deeply personal emails, seems impersonal.  (Then add in that George uses primarily his work email, and only checks his personal email once a day--really! how is that possible?  I'd go crazy--and clearly email isn't the way to go.)  

I'm not sure what the answer is, though I know the answer is NOT to use this blog to express my deepest innermost relationship thoughts to the world, knowing that George might then read them!  (See the footnote below.)  But I'm looking forward to figuring it out.  

*While I've been writing this, I've been wondering if it might be most appropriate--though "appropriate" is a more sterile word than is correct here--to send this post to him before opening it for the world to see.  Since really this whole post is in response to that bit of our conversation last night, and in that regard he is the intended audience, not all of you, my adoring fans.  I'm not going to, but not due to a lack of trying.  My computer is being difficult and it's just more trouble than it's worth--where the outcome would be throwing the computer out the window--to try to fight it.  

Milestones

Sabrina talked to her mom tonight, and in related news, she smacked me soon thereafter.  My first time being hit by a foster child!  (She swatted at me before, but this was real contact with my face.)  After I said Very. Firmly. that we don't hit people, she told me that "my Auntie told me that I can smack people who are mean to me."  This is not the first time that she used the "my Mommy told me" or "my Auntie told me" line but the first time I affirmatively said that her Auntie did not, in fact, say what she was reported to have said.  The rest of the time* I just ignore the tales; they don't make sense (e.g. "My Mommy told me that when strangers come and pick me up at school and take me to a mean lady's house, I don't have to listen to her.") so there's no point in either validating her or telling her that her Mommy was wrong.  This time I clearly needed to say something.

In other news, she's getting so good about taking her medication, and tomorrow is the last day for the flu meds.  Hooray!  The conversation with her mom actually did go well, though her aunt told her that they were going to have a visit on Friday, and I haven't heard anything about that.  I really hope I don't have a heart-broken Sabrina to deal with because of broken promises.  (If they do visit, and it isn't overnight, I will have to deal with a sugar-laden Sabrina; I overheard the aunt telling Sabrina that she was going to bring candy and lollipops for her.)

*I need to confess that about 2 minutes before Sabrina hit me, she saw me drinking soda and asked for some. I told her that it is a grown-up drink in my house so she could not have any.  When she then invoked her mommy for permission, I said that her mommy doesn't live in my house and in my house, kids don't drink soda.  I was just worrying that I had messed her up for life when she hit me.  (About another issue entirely.) 

What would YOU have done?

Super long trip to Tar-jay this morning (thank goodness we were overcharged (9 times) for two items so the total actually was less than the $888 that I was charged...now just need to go back). The plan had been Tar-jay, then supermarket, then Sabrina could have cookies. Well, after we took so long at Target, even I needed a treat. And Sabrina had been GREAT. A few cases of the "gimmes," and some trouble when I tried to get her to choose between two hoodies--one was pink and purple, the other Hello Kitty--a tough choice--but she was overall really good. She also had asked for chocolate donuts when we happened to be in that aisle of the store, but they didn't have the ones that I like.

So we took all of our goodies to the car and I asked Sabrina if she wanted to get a chocolate donut because I was so proud of how well-behaved and patient she had been in the store. (The problem of this particular Target is the Dunkin Donuts in the parking lot...though if it hadn't been there on Friday, I would have gone from breakfast to 9:45 pm without any caloric intake.) We got in the car and she started asking for cookies. I told her she had to choose between cookies and a donut. She chose donut but then asked if she could have ONE cookie. (We have those 100-calorie packs of teeny tiny cookies.) I said yes, she said "five?", I said no, and I handed her one cookie. She threw a fit that I hadn't let her take the cookie herself.

We went towards Dunkin Donuts anyway because I had told her she could have the donut and because the tantrum over the cookie wasn't related to the good behavior she was being rewarded for. (As an aside, I should say that I wouldn't have used a donut as a reward if I hadn't wanted to get a super-sweet coffee from there myself.) But when we parked there, she wouldn't let me unbuckle her seat belt, wouldn't unbuckle it herself, was hitting me, and other unpleasantness. When she hit me, I closed her door, got back in the drivers seat, and told her that we were going to have to go home. She then screamed and cried most of the way home, including a not-so-adorable (but made me laugh) hand in my face with Sabrina saying "blah blah blah blah Talk to the hand cuz it don't understand." I listened to the radio and didn't engage her, especially because she told me to be quiet when I tried to.

Is that what you would have done? How could I have handled the situation differently? (Specifically the at-dunkin-donuts piece, but also the drive home.)

Sabrina-isms, part 2

"Look what you let me did!"