Fears

As the title suggests, this post is going to be primarily about all of the worries that I have as I look towards my first parenting experience (timing still to be determined). But first I want to say briefly that this post itself to a small degree is demonstrating to myself that I am able to overcome at least one of my long-standing (and unspoken) fears--vulnerability. By putting out there in the blogosphere for all the world to see all of my fears (though not all, as I'm sure I will omit some inadvertently as I type, or will realize some later), even those that even I think are stupid, I am making progress in the open communication that will be necessary when I am parenting.*

Some of the fears I am going to list below are in the "general anxiety" category. For the rest, I would love to hear from those who have been there (either with foster kids or bio kids) with any advice or guidance you have.

Without further ado, my fears, as I remember them at 11:30 at night:

1. General irresponsibility regarding sleep. I stay up too late, I hit snooze, I whine and moan when I do drag myself out of bed. Will I be able to respond appropriately when a kiddo has a nightmare? Will I hear if a kiddo gets out of bed in the middle of the night? What in the world will I do with an early riser?

2. Hair care. During training, we were told that "most of the kids in the system are African-American; a few are Latino." So chances are really good that the kiddo(s) who live with me will be African-American. I know that it is different to take care of African-American hair than my mostly-straight-but-frizzy-in-the-humidity hair. But I don't know the details. Are there special shampoos? Special washing directions? Frequency? What if a girl comes to me with braids or other fanciness? How do I take care of them? Help!

3. Toothbrushing and other general hygiene matters. In the grand scheme of things, this one is small. Really it is a subset of bathing, below, but because it is less "risky," I separate it out. I'm going to be licensed for kids from 3-10. At some point in that age range, a child who has grown up in a healthy home knows how to do for himself or herself all sorts of general hygiene matters--toothbrushing, the components of bathing (hair, washing body), proper cleanliness following toileting. So at some point in that age range, watching a child to see if he or she is doing each task "correctly" is inappropriate/embarrassing to the child. So how do you handle that? How much do you assume the kiddo knows (and then re-teach if it becomes necessary) and how much do you assume that you should start from scratch because then if the kiddo doesn't know, he's not stressed about needing to ask/admit he doesn't know?

4. Potty training. A three year old might come to me not potty trained, or might regress (or I might have a kiddo with developmental delays come to live with me), and I will need to work on potty training. I know that there are books on how to do this, and I wouldn't mind recommendations on those or just general tips (especially for boys, since I'm not one and don't have a grown one to help me). But more importantly, the very same kiddo who I might need to potty train might have been sexually abused. How do I keep the kiddo feeling safe while changing diapers (pre-pottty training) and then while helping with toileting?

5. Bathing. This relates back to potty training--a kiddo comes to me who has been physically abused, and the first thing I tell her is that she is safe and no one is going to touch her private parts, and then it's time for a bath and she's naked in the tub and, well, I've just broken my promise. How do you make bathing safe for a kiddo who is too young to bathe himself or herself? What about an older child (6 or 7) who you discover isn't (or doesn't know how to) cleaning himself or herself properly and needs help learning?

6. Toys. I am so nervous that I won't know what to do with the kiddos to play and support their imaginations and creativity. How do I know what is age-appropriate?

7. Discipline. All the theories and alternatives we learned about in training are well and good, but we had No Practice. No role playing, nothing other than a silly game of hot-and-cold to demonstrate positive reinforcement. And I don't know what these kiddos are going to come to me doing. I read all of your blogs and I'm definitely big-time in the naivete stage. Am I going to know what to do when I need to do it? Is the kiddo's social worker going to be a good resource or will I have to hide any insecurity from her (I'm assuming the social worker will be female based on my experiences with the agency)?

8. First-day timing (shopping, etc). Yeah, not such a big issue. I just think that there are so many things that will need to be done Right Away when kiddo comes to live with me: decompressing/grieving, a snack or dinner, introductions and a tour of my apartment, shopping for PJs and a toothbrush and a teddy bear and clothes (I'm assuming--maybe this won't be necessary), bedtime... how does it all fit into one afternoon? Do people who parent with another person have one stay at home with the kiddo while the kiddo cries and rages and whatever else she needs to do and the other parent go buy necessities? Do I go and buy the necessities before meeting the kid (but then the kiddo doesn't get to choose what gets purchased)?

9. Not being a good parent. Just in general. What if I'm a horrible parent and I mess the kiddo up more than if he or she never lived with me? What if I'm no good at this and then all my friends know that I'm not a good parent? What if I really am just selfish?

And so on.

* It's 11:30 pm, and if I cared to edit this after I write it, I would make this sentence much more coherent. But I don't anticipate doing that, so please forgive me.

Cooking

I'm a pretty good cook. I don't think I'll ever win any prizes or be a famous chef, but for a while I thought that if the law gig didn't work out, maybe I would be a kosher caterer. (Now my back-up career plan is editing.) I won't tell you about the time that I managed to burn spaghetti.

I don't cook as much, or as varied, as I should, because I'm lazy and hate washing dishes. (See: goals #3 and #4.) But last night I compromised and even though I made pasta for dinner, I tossed some brocolli into the sauce. (And then I set aside the second serving to bring for lunch today, instead of just eating it. If you ever were looking for an excuse to eat dessert first, that might be it.)

But my mom seems to think that I'm a brilliant cook and she even calls me for advice. She'll ask me for a recipe, I'll say "oh, a bit of this and a bit of that" and she'll say "but how much???" To which I always reply, "uh, mom? You're the one who taught me to cook. You should know that I don't cook with measuring cups."

I bake bread, I fry eggs, I poach fish, I'm attempting to infuse oil (we'll see how it goes), but there are a few things that I just am not capable of.

An aside to put this in context before I tell you what I absolutely cannot cook. I love Yondalla. And it occurred to me that I hadn't read her blog from the beginning. So I am doing so now. (Shh, don't tell the boss.) One of her house rules is that everyone has one night a week that they cook dinner. And one of her posts talks about her son making breakfast for dinner.

I am utterly incapable of making pancakes. (And omelets, and latkes.) What am I going to do if kiddo doesn't like french toast or waffles but insists that special breakfasts must include pancakes? Just another thing to add to my list of fears.*


*Please know that my list of fears includes many, many more serious things than my inability to make pancakes. I'm going into this with a whole boatload of naivete but am not completely unrealistic. I'll post more about my serious fears later.

When did you realize you were an adult?

One of my favorite magazines is running a contest--write an essay about the first time you realized you were an adult (or something to that effect) and you could win...I don't remember, something good. I'd love to enter the contest; when I'm writing for real and not for this blog, I think I write reasonably well. (After gratefully testing out of freshman composition in college, I proceeded to take three upper-level classes in the writing department. That's a whole 'nother story.) Though I do have a tendency to overuse parentheses.

But I can't because I'm having fears that I'm not responsible enough to be an adult. BIG fears. I think they're founded. For example, yesterday I went to pay my credit card bill, more than a week late, and learned at the same time that I had overdrawn my checking account not once, but twice. (On the same day, with two checks written to the same cause. I'm going to be going to the bank to throw myself on their mercy and beg for one of the fees to be credited to me. $36 seems a reasonable punishment for being irresponsible. $72 seems like usury.)

That wasn't my only irresponsibility yesterday. Okay, to be honest, neither of those were yesterday. I just realized them yesterday. When I was in law school, I received an award from my clinic for "most likely to be caught playing a computer game in the hours before the bar exam." The only reason that I wasn't, actually, caught playing a computer game was that I was spending the night in a motel by the testing location. I haven't grown out of my default position of playing games. Every day I say to myself "I am NOT going to play games while I'm at work!" Reasonable enough, right? But it seems that the more adamant I am, the more I disobey my own rules. Yesterday--two games of Big Kahuna Reef (which really is pretty pointless when you have managed to get through all 10 levels and there is no longer a challenge) and more games of Alchemy. And that was just while at work. Meanwhile, I have a not-quite-lease that I'm supposed to be writing by tomorrow. And not getting very far. (Note: I'm actually just revising a previous not-quite-lease to change the program terms. Note 2: I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Note 3: I checked the rules of professional conduct for my jurisdiction to make sure that I'm not providing incompetent representation. I think I'm okay, unfortunately. I'd hoped to use that as a reason why I shouldn't be doing this project.)

So today as I was walking to work I changed the terms of my deal with myself. I could use any Google product as distractions from my misery. Gmail, my blog reader, and gchat. If I stuck with that today, I would be really proud of myself.

Well, guess what? Blogger counts, too. But no, this wasn't really just a long post to lead to the conclusion that "I get to waste time blogging today because Blogger is related to Google, hooray!"

It's really about my BIG fear that I'm not responsible enough to be an adult. And, by extension, a parent. Do all childless people feel this fear when a child is actually on its way, by whatever means?

I know, while I'm moaning about waking up in the morning, tripping over eight pairs of shoes to go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wanting nothing more than to go back to bed, that I won't be able to do that when there is a kiddo in my home. I know that I won't be able to come home from work, put on my PJs, and sit on the couch watching 4 episodes of MASH on DVD instead of applying for new jobs, washing dishes, and cleaning up the blueberry soup that I spilled all over the kitchen last Friday. I know that I'll actually have to think in advance about what to prepare for Shabbat meals each week. I know, I know, I know. But I haven't been able to make any changes in my routines in preparation. Is this normal? Will things fall into place when a kiddo comes along?

And so, when did I realize I am an adult? I haven't yet. I'll let you know when I do.