Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Swirly in my tummy

I did something hugely responsible this morning: I made an appointment with my therapist. I haven't seen her in about a year. I'm not good at therapy.

Back when I was still unemployed, I was this close to making an appointment and then started volunteering and didn't get around to it, and then I got my job, and I didn't feel like I needed to see her and definitely didn't have time to because hello, I'm working.
But a few weeks ago I started thinking about how tiring it is when Sabrina bites me, and how I just don't know if I'm doing the right things for her, and I thought maybe it would be a good idea to have a neutral party listen to me, but still I didn't make an appointment.
And then came the end of last week and the beginning of this week and the end of season 5 of Grey's Anatomy. (Note: this is LAST year. Not this year. Not the season that just ended. Don't say anything about this season because I will find your anonymous self and come kick your butt.)
Let me digress a moment. When I was in my early teens or so, a local tv station showed old reruns of M*A*S*H. Have you seen M*A*S*H? What a great show. Remember the last episode with Henry Blake? He gets to go home and then his chopper or plane goes down, and they did this awesome thing in filming where no one in the cast knew that they were killing him off, and Radar opens the envelope to deliver the news, not knowing that's what was in the envelope?
I was a wreck for a week.
Remember on ER when Mark Greene gets brain cancer? And then he gets better but then it comes back and then he dies? A wreck. For I don't remember how long.
Remember on West Wing when Josh gets shot? He recovers but I still just bawl and bawl every time I watch the beginning of the second season.

Dead Poets Society, when the boy kills himself? (Sorry, I only owned that one on videotape, so haven't watched it in EONS and don't remember the character's name.)

Top Gun when the plane goes down? (Hm, just noticed that's Anthony Edwards again.)

Long digression. To say this: I suck myself in to dramas with death and dying, and then can't pull myself out of them. Those episodes and those movies are the ones that I will put in the DVD player and watch over and over and over and over again.

So at the end of last week I was watching last season of Grey's Anatomy and Izzie starts--well, I don't want to give away anything to anyone else like me who is a full season behind on all tv due to only watching it on DVD--having those situations, the ones that clearly aren't good but I for one thought they were something entirely different than they turned out to be.

And then Saturday night came around and I watched, transfixed, as Izzie's situation became clearer and my heart beat faster and I love Izzie and all of the characters so much and I watched three episodes? Five episodes? Something unhealthy and then I couldn't sleep because I just felt so swirly inside and I knew that if I were in a situation like Izzie, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone either, and I would hope that I would have someone in my life like Cristina who figured out what Izzie really needed right before her solo surgery and, oh how stricken Alex and Bailey looked, and I love their relationships and what is going to happen and I wish I had relationships like theirs (though, taking a deep breath, I don't actually think it would be a good idea to have one's only friends be the people one works with). And I couldn't sleep and got only about four hours, tops.

And I went shopping on Sunday but my mind kept wandering back to Izzie, and to Owen and Cristina and Derek and Meredith, and I just wanted to be home watching more Grey's Anatomy! Which is totally unlike me when I am at the outlet mall! but there you have it. When I finally got home I forced myself to do some productive things before I turned on the tv, because I knew I wasn't getting up once I sat on the sofa. I rewatched three episodes before putting in the last DVD of the season and then watched three of the last four episodes and on Monday I was a wreck. What George was planning to do. Izzie. The perfect wedding. Friendships. Izzie. I couldn't concentrate at work and my tummy was all swirly and I know that tv relationships are idealized and not realistic but I will never have friendships like the ones on tv and oh what is going to happen with Izzie.

And Sabrina woke up right in the middle of my watching the last episode and I was already tear-y and when Sabrina was crying and wouldn't let me comfort her I started crying, right there in her room, because I was such an emotional disaster from watching tv and because I felt like, "here is this relationship that I am supposed to be giving myself over to and I'm a failure because I can't empathize with Sabrina and just want to comfort her so that I will feel better," and...

...ugh I am the most self-centered, self-absorbed person I know even though everyone thinks I'm this totally selfless person who is so amazing for being a foster parent but even though I (say I) want to have better relationships and be really intensely close with people, things people say to me go in one ear and out the other and I don't remember important things about even the people I want to be friends with and I'll have conversations with people where I just talk and talk and talk about myself and then I'll need to leave or we'll be walking together and get to where our routes diverge and I'll realize that I barely even asked the other person how he or she is.

And even though I pretty much know what happens with the two big cliffhanger scenes at the end of last season of Grey's Anatomy, my mind keeps mulling it over as if tv were some serious, world-changing issue, and my tummy is all swirly with all of these thoughts, so I realized I should see my therapist.

Or maybe my tummy is all swirly today because of the caffeine in my coffee this morning.

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