Confessional

Edited. (Yes, I know it looks bad to be editing this post in particular. Keeping most of the confessional tone, just cleaning up a bit of skipping ahead.)

Ah, so I need a place to confess my failings, and facebook is not the place for this one. So hi, everyone! Here's the problem: I really want to see my therapist. Woah. It's been months and months since I've seen her. And now I want to. This is not the confession, because I have no shame about seeing a therapist or taking happy pills. The confession is this--I don't know if I still have health coverage. I should. I filled out the paperwork at my former job TWICE for COBRA, but have not gotten any confirmation or a bill from the insurance company (or my job), and know that my former employer is well known for its ineptitude. How irresponsible is it that I wasn't persistent enough in this to make sure that I have insurance? What if I get hit by a truck on my way home from this adorable little coffee shop?

The other problem is that if I were to call to get an appointment, it wouldn't be for another two weeks (or more, since Thanksgiving is in that period), and what good would that do me now?

So, since I'm not going to see my therapist, I'm just going to use this space to talk through my issues. Why is it that an audience seems necessary for this to be worthwhile? I wouldn't feel that this exercise was worth it if I were just to write it and then keep it in a journal or somewhere that no one sees it. Maybe it's just my overwhelming self-absorption and belief that everyone cares about my state of mind. Okay, maybe they don't.

Over-arching issue: subconscious (though I'm aware of it, so maybe it's not subconscious?) self-sabotage, as elaborated below.

Issue #1: Job application process. I'm still quite unemployed. I'm registered with a few temp agencies, but so far nothing has panned out from that. One option didn't work because of Shabbat issues, but it's not worth pursuing a discrimination claim because 1. it's just a temp job, and 2. it's entirely possible that the temp agency didn't tell the firm that the reason for my request for shorter hours on Friday was for religious reasons. But the bigger problem is that I do things like sit at adorable coffee shops and blog instead of writing cover letters and other supplemental documentation required for most job applications with the biggest industry in my Big City. I just wrote a pretty good cover letter but then discovered that to be hired above entry level, I need the supplemental documentation as well, and so now I'm protesting. Seriously, how am I supposed to write something describing my experience meeting deadlines? Sigh.

The excitement in the job arena is that I do have a second interview for a job I'm really interested in, and I think the would-be boss is interested in me. While I was on vacation a few weeks back, she emailed me to let me know that the job posting was open to the public (when it was originally posted, it was for internal candidates only, but I communicated with her to tell her of my interest). The interview was originally scheduled for this Friday, but yesterday she emailed to ask if it could be postponed until December 4. Frustrating, but manageable.

Issue #2: George. I can't believe I named him George for the blog, but what's done is done, and he does have a kind of bland name in real life, so it's suitable for this purpose. Anyway... ah, George. I'm a little worried that I need to be careful what I say, because on our date last week I confessed to the existence of the blog. However, I think he's a lot less stalkerish than I am, and I doubt that he would google "foster care jewish blog" and find this (not that I've checked to see whether that would work to find this anyway). [Added while editing: by "stalkerish" I merely mean that I have a bad habit of Google-stalking. Not ACTUAL stalking.]

Oh, it is So Nice to have a man interested in me, and to be interested in him in return, and to have someone to flirt with and talk to late at night, and to feel like I want to be my best for him (not to be fake to impress him, but because there is someone who cares and is encouraging). But I turn into a blubbering adolescent [sentence edited] at times, especially if I'm tired, for completely irrational reasons. Teenager reasons. Like if he doesn't call me when I think he "should". He's busy at work, has a strong work ethic, spends a lot of time driving to and from different places for work, and has a life. So it's more than reasonable that he isn't at my beck and call. PLUS, he does initiate strings of texts and phone calls, so I need to stop with the "if he calls, that means he likes me, and if I have to call him that means he doesn't." I'm just sabotaging myself by being adolescent and whiny and stalkerish.

And on a related, yet totally flippant, note, I want to share more about that whole basheret thing as it relates to George. He came over to my apartment after our date last week (okay, not so tznius/modest) and I Freaked Out when he started to run his fingers through my hair (melting...I love that), at which point he said something along the lines of "I'm just showing affection, we don't need to skip ahead eight steps"--a totally innocuous statement except that I also use the number eight in that context. (Seventeen is my standard "a lot.") And more seriously, since I met George on Shabbat while I was in his city, he has been home only one Shabbat. He was in my city for a conference, is going to another Big City this weekend, last weekend was in a different suburb of his own city... which makes it seem as if he's rarely home for Shabbat and it was just fate that he was home while I was there.

It's only been a week (I'm counting since our date, not since meeting), but I am really looking forward to seeing where things go with George. I'm not sure of his attitude about fostering--he's asked me a lot of questions, but I think that I won't get a real sense of how he feels until I have a placement--but he's smart and interesting and attractive and leads services well (yes, this is important to me, and yes, it's a pretty shallow "criterion") and damaged in interesting ways and has already shown himself to be my better angel. (That's a West Wing reference, for those who aren't as obsessed as I am.) We'll see where this goes.